speechless.

it has only been a week.

there's so many things to do!

everything suddenly becomes so difficult.
and, some things are weird, and uncomfortable.
i dont know what to do.

feel like washing my hands off everything.
but i just cant.

soo tired.

i wonder.

the eyes tell.
emotions that flicker across the eyes.
in that split second, they portray more than what mere words do.
have you looked into someone's eyes and seen the emotion there?

the eyes betray.
often u realise they do not listen to you.
u tell a lie and it's exposed straightaway.
your eyes gave you away.

many people dont make the effort to see.
and i do not mean in the scientific sense.

if i say i'm happy, and my eyes say so, then i'm happy.
is this the case?
so should we not listen to people, but look at their eyes instead?

this is such a fantasy.

people can lie with their eyes.
some, even have the deep, unknown look in their eyes that makes you unable to tell their true feelings.

what exactly is real, true, and absolutely correct?
simple and straightforward.
thats an easier way of life.






well.
i wonder why am i writing things that do not make sense to me.

hmm.

i have a bad feeling about tmr.

i once said i dont like the feeling of opening my eyes to daybreak.
i prefer waiting for daybreak.
becox in this way, i wont have to face the unknown all of a sudden.
and i was scolded for being foolish.

foolish i can be.
if i know i'll be happier that way, i'll rather be foolish.

but somehow, this time, i feel no matter what i do, the ending will be the same.
it's not an unknown.
it's a fact.

everything will never be the same again.

the same place, the same people. but nothing else remains the same.
including myself.

it will be easier if pple can understand.
but if they dont know anything, they cant understand.
and i have no wish to explain things.

it is affecting me.
to an incredibly large extent.
i cant be who i was again.
i cant bring myself to pretend i am.

maybe i should just let it be.
let people go away, further and further away from me.
that's how it should be, i guess.

i'm back =)

finally...

i realised without the com, life gets dull and boring.
i dont know when have we become so dependent on it.

all thx to bro, who took care of the prob.



school's starting tmr.
feeling...
uneasy.


i dont like definite answers.
but i prefer to have them.
because in this way, things are more straightforward and less complicated.

hmm...

so much emotions.
shocking turn of events.

i must say, the plot and acting are excellent.

*

tired. or rather, lacking of energy.
somehow, like whatever happens, it dosent concern me.
and this feeling of irrelevance, is disturbing.
i dont like it.

feeling---

when nobody believes in you, you feel like some insignificant individual.

it's never going to happen.

dream.life.reality.

i awoke to the sounds of nature- the sweet chirping of the birds; gentle rustle of leaves; distant trickle of water.
i pushed open the window, a yellow butterfly flutter about, fresh air and the scent of flowers greeted me.
i walked out of the cottage, along the pathway, enjoying the light breeze of the morning and the beauty of the surroundings.
i closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
*
when i opened my eyes again, everything changed.
before me, vast lands stretched till invisible boundaries.
there were no trees, no houses, no signs of life.
the sun almost blinded me.
the heat is scorching.
i looked for pathways but there were none.
i looked for civilisation but there were none.
in this land that stretches even beyond the horizon, there is only one, solitary person.
me.
i closed my eyes again.
*
when i opened them, i saw my ceiling.
i sat up and realised i was just dreaming.
*


in dreams, we may venture into unknown grounds, meet unidentified people, encounter weird events. they're unpredictable.
the same with our life.
unpredictable.

at some times in life, we are surrounded by those whom we love, be it friends, or family. we feel loved and blissful, and we hope that all of those would never go away.
however, at other times in life, we may feel lonely and sad, with nobody around. we face problems that we might not be able to solve. we dont know which route to choose, because there dosent seem to be one chosen for us.
just like the dream.
for one moment we are in paradise, then suddenly we are stranded in an unknown place with nothing in sight.

some people think that fate controls us. others think that we control our fate.
but no matter which is more true, life goes on.
we dont have to be afraid to take a step forward, because that step may change our lives for the better.
we dont have to be afraid to make a decision, because our heart knows whats best for ourselves.
we dont have to be afraid of the tomorrow that will come, because when it comes it will be over soon enough too.

let's be brave for ourselves.
because it's our lives.
let's adjust to the changes in life with unchanging principles.

*

well, i didnt actually dream that.
haa.

it goes on.

no matter how impossible, there is still that tiny hope for a miracle.
foolish or not, i do not know.

perhaps this is just a way of keeping tomorrows beautiful
---to have something to look forward to and hope for.






i have no definite answers anymore.
and for the time being, i dont wish to find them.

shld i feel inferior?

some things are not as simple as they seem to be.
if you dont know anything, then dont say anything.

sometimes, i'm really envious.
but i cant go back to the past me anymore.
not anymore.

i'm alive =)

"people shouldnt dwell on the past. it's enough to try your best in everything you do now."

one needs motivation now and then.
maybe thats why i went to watch 'one litre of tears'.
the drama that everybody recommended and cried over it.
the real life story that makes you sad for all the things she had gone through.
guess i'm the only one who hasnt watched it. haha.

from her story, we will realise how fortunate we are.
her strength, as well as the support that people around her gave her, is great motivation.

indeed, to have health alone, is bliss already.

broken.

i'm sorry, gal.
i really tried, but maybe it's still not enough.
i want to help, but it seems like i really cant do anything useful.

the wounds are so painful.
it irritates me that i cant open a bottle, wash my mug, even wash my own hair.

i feel like a useless freak.




just emotional at the moment.
i hate depressing entries too.
but nowadays, such thoughts keep flowing in.

i truly hope, she can find the happiness she has always wanted.

---

i dont know since when, i developed a fear for swallowing pills.



i absolutely hate them.




*at least, i found a new goal.


=)

tears that never flow.

the pain of watching a loved one plagued with illnesses.
that pain, is too much to bear.

bearing the pain and weariness, going to work just for that meagre extra income.
what for?
i may never understand, because i'm so protected.

when everything was fine, i didnt offer any help.
now that i wish to help, i am not able to do so.
i hate my fingers, my skin.

yet she could tell me not to worry for the future.

people always ask for alot.
and in searching for all the things that they want, they lose the thing that matters the most.
then they realise that most impt thing is already sufficient.

now, i dont want anything else.
just that she recovers.
and i too.

how could someone even bear so much and never spoke a word of complain?

i hope it's not too late.
i want to recover.
asap.

confidence

do you have confidence in yourself?

some people are arrogantly over-confident.
others, have totally no self confidence.

any normal individual would have a certain level of self-confidence.
but what if, you have something that you are embarrassed of?
like visible scars.
would you choose to hide them?

it's more difficult, for us to accept ourselves, than for other people to accept us.
it may take a while.
maybe years.
maybe forever.

before we learn to accept others, we should first learn to accept ourselves.

but it isnt easy.
it's painful.






there's nothing more touching than, someone who has gone through pain before, taking the initiative to hug another who went through the same amount of pain but dosent realise it.

=)

today:
lunch at marina;
watched [transformers] there;
tuition at sembawang;
[harry potter] at jp;
mac (dinner + supper) after that.

tmr:
the start of my jap revision.
time for serious work.

jiayou!






'two wrongs do not make a right'.
is that really so?

i cant.

why do i care about their impressions of me?

i've long wanted to train myself on the skill of indifference.
that cold, immune attitude.

at that certain point in life, i thought the best way of revenge is indifference.
what can hurt more, than someone placing that right in your face?

but that can only be true when one is filled with hatred.
it's only good for revenge.
i can disregard them, but i cant disregard others.
others who are kind, who are friends.

i mind the opinions of those whom i care about.
in fact, very much indeed.

what SOME PEOPLE manage to do effortlessly, sad to say, i cant do the same.
it's a relief, only because it proves that i'm not in the same league as them.

i had thought it's an easy task.
but now i realised, not everyone can do that.

a friend once told me, hatred eats you up. it consumes you to the extent that, you're hurting yourself so.

usually someone hates another, because the person has done something unforgivable.
but it's not always the case.

you may also hate someone because the person has made you realise that you have hateful character traits in you.
regardless of the methods he used.
regardless of whether he had really meant for it to happen.

childish. isnt it?








time erodes.
but does it erode memories and experiences deeply etched in the heart?

argg

omg i did so badly in my listening test.

i mean, it's just listening right.





cant believe myself.

sad + happy = neutral.

happy birthday to juan=)
hope she had a wonderful 20th birthday.
interesting day out.

*

when he has money, he goes drinking.
only when he has run of of money to spend, he stays home.
so shld i hope that he has money with him, or no?

i really dont know how to think and what to think anymore.

and hope she gets better soon.

*

tmr is the listening exam.
hope it's easy.
and may everything goes fine.
jiayou!!

*

finally, i've come to the end of an eventful week.
tired.
but fun too.

=)

知足, 微笑.

让自己微笑

你羡慕 她的美貌
像鱼羡慕 鸟飞得够高
鸟却永远不了解
海的奇妙

你羡慕 她的情调
像沙羡慕 石的牢靠
石却享受不了风 自由的怀抱

牛奶替代不了面包
就像哭替代不了笑
其实是 虚荣 戒不掉
才会忽略 每个人不同的好

完美是 一个目标
有谁能够 全部做到
可知道 谁都有自己
不一样的心事烦恼

这世界 谁来决定
谁比谁好 谁更荣耀
说到底 自信最重要
只有自己才能让
自己微笑


知足

怎么去拥有 一道彩虹
怎么去拥抱 一夏天的风
天上的星星 笑地上的人
总是不能懂 不能知道足够

如果我爱上 你的笑容
要怎么收藏 要怎么拥有
如果你快乐 不是为我
会不会放手 其实才是拥有

当一阵风吹来 风筝飞上天空
为了你 而祈祷 而祝福 而感动
终于你身影 消失在人海尽头
才发现 笑著哭最痛

那天你和我 那个山丘
那样的唱著 那一年的歌
那样的回忆 那么足够
足够我天天都品尝著寂寞

知足的快乐 叫我忍受心痛

*
love the lyrics.

indeed, nobody is perfect.
we often see our own imperfections more than we see others'.
so we tend to envy others.

but, everyone and every life has their own problems.
one day, if we really get to experience the 'perfect' life, maybe then, we'll realise that being ourselves is the best.

sometimes one beautiful memory, can last us a lifetime.
so why insist on a whole bundle of beautiful memories?

only we can make ourselves happy.
to accept this world, i suppose, we must first learn to accept ourselves and our lives.

it took me awhile.
but i finally understood.

=)

responsibility.

in tv dramas, when the husband has a mistress outside, the wife would be very upset and the family would hate him.

but in reality, husbands having mistresses outside are so common, it becomes not so much of a wrongdoing.

**

usually when the family has financial difficulties, the children take up jobs to help ease the burden on the parents.

but in reality, it's so difficult to handle everything.

**

what is responsibility?
to do what you think you have to do?
or to do what others expect you to do?

sometimes, people are selfish, irresponsible.
yet, this does not mean that they are bad.
we still love them, and respect them.

perhaps, this is but one of the ironies in life.

--
i really dont like him to drink.
pls dont let him get too drunk.

an empty cup.

heard this story on 933 fm:

A guest went to Mr Chan's house to seek for advice. Mr Chan always gives great advice, so he thought he would try his luck.
When he reached the house, he didnt wait for Mr Chan to speak and started talking about his life, work and family. He went on and on without stopping and Mr Chan couldnt get a word in. So he just listened.
After a while, Mr Chan poured a cup of tea for the guest. He didnt stop pouring even after the cup was full and overflowing.
On seeing this, the guest finally stopped talking to ask,"Mr Chan, the cup is already full. Cant you see that?"
Mr Chan replied,"Oh, indeed you are right. It is overflowing. So, may I ask, how can I give you any advice when you already have your own ideas and mindset? You will not accept any of my advice in this case. You need to give me an empty cup, so that I can pour tea inside. Do you agree?

---
Sometimes, we are so sure of our thoughts, we are not able to accept others' advice. However, our own thoughts may not necessary be the truth or the most accurate.

Perhaps sometimes, we should take a step back so that we are able to look at more things that we have missed before.




=)

mean luck.

'some people have everything in the world; others have to suffer in silence.'

love the 9 o'clock show [switched]. fann did a great job portraying her character.
indeed, who wishes to be born ugly?
ugly people, are still human.
they have feelings too.
it's sad, that while some people have all the choices in the world, some have none at all.

who dosent have flaws?
yet the ugly and quiet always get despised upon.
and may i ask why is that so?

if one has the looks and the brains, he or she will not have an inferior complex.

it's always said, 'when you lose some, you gain some.'
true.
we may not have all the luck in the world, but we do have some.
and a little of something good is enough.

lets not be too greedy, shall we?

but is it too much to ask for something more?
something better?
can we for once, not force ourselves to be contented?
lying to oneself, is terrible.

cutie

a cutie smiled at me today and called me 'jie jie'.
we took the same lift, and he just kept looking and smiling at me.





how cute.

=)

Anger.

sometimes people are so unfeeling, so ridiculously hypocritical and unsympathetic.
so insincere.

we wont lose anything if we spend one moment to spare a thought for somebody else.

everyone lives by their own rules. so more or less, they would subconciously expect others around them to live by the same rules. this i know.
but they shouldnt stereotype and criticise and despise.

that experience made me understand.
how terrible it is to feel like you are garbage and everyone around you looks at you with pathetic eyes.

some people have all the luck. so thats their good fortune.
but why must some people suffer so?

some just smile and everything goes right.
others try extremely hard yet nothing goes right.



imagine trying so hard and in the end all your efforts are wasted.

yes, the world is not fair.
sometimes, we just try not to complain too much.
because even so, we would not be able to change anything.



how i wish i have the courage to go.

health.

when people are most vulnerable, they are also most sensitive.
they start to realise who really care for them, and who dont.
at the same time they will wonder if they have done enough for people whom they love.

cancelled my tuition again.
guilty.

only when we're in the pink of health that we're able to live our lives happily.
no pills, no pain, no burden.
and what a huge burden it is.

but mom taught me something.
she told me once, not to worry about things that have not happened, what we need to do is just treasure the moment and be happy. that's more important.

but i want too much to be contented with what i have now.
yet i know, without health, i really have nothing.